Bumble and Tinder (plus many others) are swipe-style, free, easy, dating apps that are quickly taking over the online dating world. The profile of a potential date pops up and the user swipes right on the persons profile if they are interested, and left if they are not.  If two people swipe right on each other, they are a match and can start a convo if they’d like.

Download. Delete. Download. Delete. Download. Delete.  <—- This was the Tinder and Bumble pattern taking over my “dating” life.  An early onset of carpel tunnel and the realization that I LOATHE online dating lead me to the decision to delete the apps for good.  No judgment to those who are into it, for realsies, it’s just not for me.

Here’s what I noticed while online-swipe-dating:

All the Spammy Firemen – Dear Tinder, if there was a plethora of hot, single, fire chiefs, in a 30 mile radius… my girlfriends and I would know. Stop lying to us.

The “HookUp” – At least these ones are pretty up front about what they are looking for.  Same goes for the swingers. It may not be my lifestyle, but I appreciate their honesty, none the less.

Ex(s) – Seriously?  Because being reminded of past failed relationships while watching “Sweet Home Alabama” with one hand clenched to my pop socket and the other searching for my dignity at the bottom of a Frito’s bag, is my idea of a good time.  On the plus side, it’s always nice to see they’re still single, too.

The “Here’s a List of Things Wrong with You” Guy – Thank you for listing all the things I need to have in life, what I should/shouldn’t be wearing (or doing) in pics, how life should be lived, and how you are crazy busy you life is, but if I’m lucky, you’ll try to make time for little ol me. Hey, bruh, your narcissism is showing through your tank top.

Sex Offenders – No, like, ACTUALLY.  This sh!t isn’t just on tv, it’s real life and happening all around us.  There’s a guy I’ve known forever who was busted on child porn charges and he popped up on Tinder.  Legit.  Serious.  DO YOUR RESEARCH.

Guy with All the Girls – Every photo is with a different woman.  Not celebrities or family, just randoms.  Soooo are these your other girlfriends?  Are you always “friend listed”? Do you want me to know up front I’ll never be the only woman in your life? Oorrrrrr…. No, but, really… it’s a dating app, lose the other chick pics.

PeePee Pic Guy – Do I even have to with this one?  Put.It.Away. BTW: We forward them to our friends and laugh.

The Taken Guy – He’s obviously in a relationship because it’s posted all over social media, but he is still holding on to “I must’ve just accidently deleted the app and not my entire account after getting into a relationship” excuse if he gets busted out by tinder girlfriend #27.

The Guy You Already Know – Do I swipe right to be kind?  What if I swipe right and he swipes left, I’ll always know he didn’t swipe on me. Do I even want to try to date a guy I already cross paths with?  Which is also stupid because that’s how dating is done traditionally.  You meet, you’re interested, you ask each other out. But now here I am wondering, “Am I allowed to be interested in a guy I already know?”  How dumb is that?

Guy Who Writes You on FB – Hey, guy…. we didn’t match.  Unless there is a superduper good reason, don’t social media back-door me.

For me, dating is laughter, getting to know each other, butterflies, romance, and good morning and good night texts, and I’m going back to that.  Time to start getting out, meeting people, getting to know them, andt maybe something will happen.  But dating apps are a hard NO for this girl from here on out.